Having almost mastered the art of making fine red and white wines, along with different fruit wine, I’ve decided to move in making beer too.
I’ll be getting 40 pints of Woodfordes fine Wherry. I’m interested to see how this’ll come out, but all being well it’ll be most excellent – like my wines.
Until then I’ll have to stick to JD and coke or tea and coffee.
It’s a strange old world really. You get to hear and see a lot of different things when working in public transport… but, why do people forget that they’re riding a bus when they talk on the mobile phone. Last night I overheard – and before you say that I shouldn’t be listening, it’s very hard not to when the person is sat behind you and shouting down the phone to the callie. Last night I was privy to learning all about a young ladies latest going on's with her new boy friend – not only must he be a contortionist, but he has superb staying powers and will soon be entering the Guinness book of records for having the worlds biggest willy. It’s not until she gets off the bus, and I suggest that an ice pack might help that she realises that the whole bus has been listening to her call, and now she has gone the same colour red and her underwear (apparently).
Next you pick up in the headlight waiting at the bus stop for you a rather good looking lady… only to find that when she gets on the bus to pay, she had more stubble on her chin than me, has size 11 feet and signs baritone… oh, and is caked in make up... “single please love” yet right! – just call me Shirley!!!! Then you get the young couple who are getting ‘it’ on on the upper deck forgetting that the CCTV is of a standard that can be used in court – so is nice an clear and in colour too, who needs porn when you’ve a CCTV cam? and no I didn’t watch I was to busy avoiding the piss heads and junkies that are intent on trying to kill them selves under the wheels of the 23.14 from Tesco’s.
Then you have the guy who decided for what ever reason that he wanted to take a pee on the bus, in his trousers… lovely.
As for the last guy, the public then moan like fuck when the bus is withdrawn from service to be cleaned. Of course it’s not only the passengers that make you laugh with what they get up to – staff do as well. I once had a case of really bad and violent wind. So having dropped off my last passenger (so I thought) I needed to let rip, so leaning over on one arse cheek, I gave a push and let go a massive and long, sticky noisy fart… the next thing I get – have started to feel much better but having a problem with the stench, was “ding”, “next stop pleas driver” as some old dear rand the bell. “ You might feel better for that, but I don’t!”
All this happened over the course of my weekend. People often ask me what it’s like driving a bus…
Of course those of you who have been following my scribbling typing over the years will also recall I spent to many years working for dear old London Underground, and while chatting about the going’s on on transport, made me recall the time while doing a station inspection late at night I stumbled across the turd from hell. Some one – and I suspect a chap, ‘cos it was outside the gents toilet, had done a great big shit on the platform. It was massive, even by my standards, and looked very much like a great big Mr Whippy ice-cream, only it was deep brown (god only knows what this guy had eaten) and as it curled round and came to natural end, so was there a point with the very tip curled over, but is was also tipped with blood. I must add here that I didn’t examine it too closely – the smell was making me want to through my guts up.
Another time, and here I must say that I wasn’t on duty, but read about it in the station log, the gents toilets on the platform where secured on a Friday afternoon, as normal. The following Sunday night / very early Monday morning the night turn Supervisor was getting the station ready for the start of the working day, when he unlocked the toilets, a man walked out with his shopping. It appears that the poor guy had been locked in on the Friday, while taking a poo, and the other Supervisors had not bothered to check the toilets during the weekend of station checks, so this chap was left there all weekend. Why he didn’t call out or raise the alarm some how we will never know.
… like I say – funny old world.
10 Years ago today, my girlfriend made me the happiest man alive, when she became my Wife.
Today is our 10th Anniversary.
Happy Anniversary Darling
